1/30/2012
I learned that a friend died today. He was in the peak of health, a black belter, and so the news was something of a shock. But that wasn't what upset me. You see, I had been meaning to get in touch with him one of these days. Of all my friends with my ex, he was one of those whom I liked and respected the most. Raul had been kind to me, extremely decent, especially when I had been distressed and needed a friend. He was also a writer, a literary mind, whose knowledge and wit I enjoyed. But after my separation with my ex I had cut off all ties to our mutual friends, including him.
Raul would sometimes "like" a post I'd put in FB. Or comment. I knew those were his ways of connecting, of reaching out to me. Yet mostly I ignored them, while inwardly appreciating them. I'd always thought I'd have a chance to see him, to explain to him, and make everything ok.
Yet suddenly he's gone. The chance is gone. And I'm just realizing my regret. How I wish I had obeyed the very soft prompting of my soul to see him. If I had only known...
But to be honest, if this hadn't happened, I don't think I would have contacted him anytime soon - I just don't value my soul that way; and I'm very bad at keeping in touch, even with people I like.
So maybe his death teaches a lesson to me. To heed my soul's promptings. To keep in touch. To value connecting with people, even if it's only me who'd gain pleasure from it and nobody else in my group. Maybe especially if so.
In the end what I remember most is his kindness, his going out of his way for me, his sense and decency. He was such a decent person. And what I regret most is my pettiness, like my not responding in FB. How I regret it now! How I wish I could have let him know how much I appreciated him. How I wish I had basked in the pleasure of his company more often.
Raul, your death ripples out through the universe. It has shocked me, taught me a lesson. You must have planned this, in part to teach us. But I wish you did not have to go so soon.
Main lesson for self: listen to the very soft promptings of my soul. Maybe obeying them is what would bring my soul moments of real happiness.
